My sex education was kinesthetic. A kind of on-the-job training where no one really knows what is going on but all parties are still interested in learning about the trade. My southern Baptist mother (God rest her soul) avoided sexual conversation. She once told her 5 year-old inquisitor (me,) that she didn’t know what the word pregnant meant. It seemed to me that when Bob and Lisa said the word on “As the World Turns” that the meaning registered in her vocabulary. But she held her “I don’t know” ground. I was the youngest of five, so when my friend Donna revealed the definition to me, I smelled that there must be something juicy going on if my mother was going to such great lengths to keep me in the dark. Obviously, she had been pregnant five times, so what was up with the secrecy? Nothing says, “PLEASE COME IN” like a “DO NOT ENTER” sign.
Based on what I have gleaned from friends and kids, people handle "the talk" differently. There is the family that used a chalk board co-hosted by both parents. Yikes! And, there is the family that threw a book at the children with the instructions to read it and come back to them with any questions. My children swear there is a sex-ed "pop-up" book, but I have not actually seen any hard evidence.
Perhaps my own childhood mystery and cluelessness turned me into the militant-hyper-communicating-information-sharing-talk-it-through-mom that I am today. If my daughters ask … I answer. Sometimes I answer on the spot and sometimes I designate a time and place such as with our tradition of the 5th grade sex talk.
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On the first day of 5th grade, my daughters get “the talk.” That is when Riley got hers and being an equal opportunity parental offender, the same goes for her little sister. Ryann has been anticipating this day for a long time. Since she has the advantage (or disadvantage depending on your view) of being the youngest, we have been compartmentalizing sex related concepts for half a decade. Whenever Ryann has broached subjects that are beyond age appropriateness or beyond my comfort level, my general response has been … “I will tell you the first day of fifth grade.”
In sales negotiations, this technique is called the delay and there is ALWAYS a day of reckoning when you practice this method. My, my, my how quickly the years pass and how fast the reckoning came upon us. So … there Ryann and I sat, over a nice Italian dinner, just as I did with her sister. Nothing goes with the penis and vajayjay conversation like a nice tortellini (for Ryann) and a huge mug of Merlot (for me.)
Having made my living in sales for all these years and from having had my children’s eyes glaze over in boredom when I ramble on about “back when I was a kid,” I have learned to lead with a question. “So, Ryann, tell me what you already know about sex.” As I waited for Ryann’s response, I reflected back on Riley’s innocent answer, “I know you kiss and roll around and for some reason you don’t have any clothes on, but I really don’t understand anything else.”
Ryann’s response was slightly different. “Mom, what worries me about what I already know is that if sex lasts for three days, how do you go pee or get something to eat? Do you take breaks? Don’t you get hungry?”
“Three days? I squeaked out. “Who said it lasts for three days?”
“My friends at school,” Ryann solemnly replied.
I wish I could say that I was mature enough to redirect this answer into reality but I will be honest here and tell you that I went to the bathroom and snort-laughed. Tears streamed down my face as I thought of the havoc it would bring into HR departments if along with vacation, sick, and personal time off, companies also had to offer “sex days.”
After I returned to the table and hailed the waiter for some more Merlot, Ryann told me the other things she knew about sex which included that I didn’t need to tell her about birth control because she already knew all about “condiments."
She had a lot of questions such as: how (as in position,) and where (as in location,) and why (as in why would anyone ever want to do that,) and when (as in how often.) I answered as best I could. Perhaps my mom was on to something with her vague avoidance, being open and honest with your kids is hard as hell.
I have to tell you that the sex conversation is easy compared to the love one. Although I am with my smokin’ hot love toy now, the road to find and be with him was not smoothly paved. Love and sex are the things that I most fear for my daughters because they are the things which break hearts and wreck lives. And as separate as our society has made them and as old-fashioned as this may sound, I still think that sex and love are best accompanied by the other. Great love needs great sex and great sex thrives with great love.
It is what we can’t control for our children, what we have to let them experience and learn on their own that keeps me up at night. For it is these things they will most desire and for which parents have to step aside … all the while hoping that we have modeled our best, been honest about our mistakes, and provided a place where no matter what, they can always seek refuge.
Ryann has been percolating on our conversation for a week now and has concluded that she would like a promise ring like the one her babysitter wears. She thinks making the promise not to have sex until she is married fits what she calls “her love lifestyle.”
“I am totally cool with that,” I tell her, knowing that even with the bling-bling of promise she will someday trade her innocence for experience and that she will both get and give broken hearts. May the love that she has for herself and the love that she feels from her family sustain her and give her the courage to live and love fully. Here’s to helping a daughter pursue finding herself before she starts down the road of finding the “one.” And if it’s not too much to ask, may the road be freshly paved … free of accidents, potholes, and debris.